Archive for September, 2008

Chainsaws? I don’t like chainsaws!

September 21, 2008

Here is my artistic rendering of the talking tree in front of the haunted house at Long Island’s Adventure Land amusement park.  At least, this is how I remember him, since I was last there when I was 10 or so.

Here is a transcript of the conversation he had with the owl that used to hang out on his branches (shit, I forgot to draw the owl!) as best as I remember it.

Owl:  I wouldn’t go in there, if I were you!
Tree:  Why not?  What’s wrong with a little fun in the dark at Adventure Land?
Owl:  Nothing – if your idea of fun is being chased by a man with a CHAINSAW!
Tree:  Chainsaw?  I don’t like chainsaws!  I once had a close shave with one!
Owl:  Then watch out you silly tree, because I think…I hear…him COMING!
Tree: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Owl:  MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I never understood why the tree joined in on the maniacal laughter, considering how frightened he was supposed to be by that point.

I really hope he’s still at Adventure Land.

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Summer, 1995

September 18, 2008

So, did I ever tell you about the time I broke both of my wrists at the same time?

By running into a wall?

Well, that’s high school for ya’.  Field day, 10th grade.  It was raining, so they held it indoors.  I was going really fast to try to make up lost ground for our team in the relay race – so fast, in fact, that I couldn’t avoid hitting the wall.

About half the class had decided to cut school and head into the city that day.  Me?  No, I had to be a good young lad and show up.

The result is that I spent the summer looking like this:

No, I couldn’t go to the beach.  Yes, everybody made fun of me.  And yes, my fingers were stuck in a “thumb’s up” position all summer.

Why I actually tell people about this is beyond me.

You May Be Right

September 11, 2008

Stranded in the combat zone!
Walked through Bedford Stuy alone!
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain!

Yeah man, I’m baaaaaad.  Bad ass, man.  Yup.  Dude, I’m SO bad, I walk THROUGH POOR NEIGHBORHOODS ALL BY MYSELF!

I’ll also be keeping my eyes open for those same neighborhoods to get nice, y’know.  Buy my daughter a condo there, maybe invest in a wine & cheese shop and whatnot.

But that’s all a few years down the road.  For now, I’m going to be a real tough guy and continue singing about how I WALKED THROUGH BEDFORD STUY ALONE!

I just may be the LUNATIC you’re looking for!

*Note:  Yes, I live in Long Island and I’m sick of hearing Billy Joel songs everywhere I go.

That’s Your Uncle Talking

September 5, 2008

Jonah

September 4, 2008

Let’s do another Bible B-Side.

Here we have Jonah…he got stuck in a whale.  Perhaps you’ve heard about that part.  But see, I always thought the whole thing with the whale was some kind of test of Jonah’s faith, kind of like Job.

Then I actually read the Book.  See, what happened was, God wanted Jonah to go to Neneveh and tell the people there that they were being wicked and would therefore be wiped out.  Jonah immediately packs his bags and heads for Tarshish, wanting none of this “God” stuff.

Along the way God sends a storm to sink the ship Jonah’s running away on.  Realizing this, the sailors throw Jonah overboard (although they really tried to avoid it) and leave him to the sea.

That’s when the “large fish” (so, not even a whale at all, really) swallows Jonah up.  After three days and nights in its belly, Jonah decides he’d be agreeable to prophesizing after all, and the whale spits him up.

So God asks him to go to Neneveh and tell the people there that they were being wicked and would therefore be wiped out.

The people of Neneveh are surprisingly receptive to God’s threats, and immediately start doing all sorts of things to beg forgiveness.  God, being merciful, accepts their apology and spares the city.

Which really pisses Jonah off.  He was fixin’ to see some good Old Testament destruction – a reasonable assumption, considering that this is, in fact, the Old Testament – and wants no part of this “mercy” business.  He even says something to the extent of, “See, this why I didn’t want to preach for you in the first place, because I knew you’d spare them and everything.  Where’s the fun in that?”

Eventually God very gently explains to Jonah that he’d rather not kill thousands of people for essentially no reason.

So, no mass destruction at the end of this story.  Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll get to all that eventually.  But for now, we’ll settle for a happy ending.

Judgment Day

September 2, 2008

Alternative Title: “Hangin’ Out in Williamsberg”